The First Three Laws of Travel

Barry Maher
Fri, 09 Jan 2026 21:00:00 -0800
Opinion

I was at the massive Temple at Luxor, where the pharaohs were crowned. The 3,500-year-old columns towered over my head. No pharaohs in sight, but, on the breeze, mixed with the sounds of eternity, I heard, "Really!?! You're from Plano!?! Amazing! We are, too! Do you know Gretchen Kiasakian?"

In one of the most amazing places on Earth, this woman's real excitement was discovering somebody she might not even acknowledge if they passed each other in a Plano supermarket. I recognized the voice. On the bus from Cairo, she'd complained about everything in Egypt being so old. About so few people speaking decent English. "What's wrong with the schools around here, anyway?"

I once met a guy from Cleveland who traveled on an Irish passport because of what he called "The Ugly American Syndrome." He wasn't fooling anyone. You could drop this bozo in Antarctica and a blind penguin would recognize him as a Yank. Besides, Barry Maher's Third Immutable Law of Travel says that the only reason there seem to be more Ugly Americans than Ugly Brits, Ugly Italians or Ugly Hittites running amok with their damn three-man chariots is that Americans take more trips. Nowadays, for example, Hittite travel is pretty much negligible. Of course, if you'd asked about them in Egypt in 1300 B.C.E., you'd have heard some tales, believe me.
Updated: Fri Jan 09, 2026

I was at the massive Temple at Luxor, where the pharaohs were crowned. The 3,500-year-old columns towered over my head. No pharaohs in sight, but, on the breeze, mixed with the sounds of eternity, I heard, "Really!?! You're from Plano!?! Amazing! We are, too! Do you know Gretchen Kiasakian?"

In one of the most amazing places on Earth, this woman's real excitement was discovering somebody she might not even acknowledge if they passed each other in a Plano supermarket. I recognized the voice. On the bus from Cairo, she'd complained about everything in Egypt being so old. About so few people speaking decent English. "What's wrong with the schools around here, anyway?"

I once met a guy from Cleveland who traveled on an Irish passport because of what he called "The Ugly American Syndrome." He wasn't fooling anyone. You could drop this bozo in Antarctica and a blind penguin would recognize him as a Yank. Besides, Barry Maher's Third Immutable Law of Travel says that the only reason there seem to be more Ugly Americans than Ugly Brits, Ugly Italians or Ugly Hittites running amok with their damn three-man chariots is that Americans take more trips. Nowadays, for example, Hittite travel is pretty much negligible. Of course, if you'd asked about them in Egypt in 1300 B.C.E., you'd have heard some tales, believe me.

In my opinion, much of what's considered ugly tourist behavior is actually the result of what I call the Disneyland Effect. People want to experience the local attractions, but they want everything to be both convenient and familiar. Just like Disneyland, but it's not Disneyland — it's Egypt. Or Paris. Or Petra. All Humans, not just Americans, gravitate toward the familiar. Even when the point of the journey is to experience the new and different.

I'm much the same. (Surprisingly, I'm similar to humans in many ways.) When traveling, I want to take in the local highlights. I've even reduced my speaking fee when local attractions are included: be it a flight over Everest, a tour through a sultanate or a trip to the world's largest man-made hole. (Okay, it's an impressive hole, but no fee reduction for that one.) My point is, I would have been far more comfortable if somebody had put a fence around that giant, toxic ditch. Or if the Everest flight had been conducted according to strict FAA standards with an American Airlines pilot.

On the trip back from Luxor, Plano Lady went on at length about Egypt's various "must-sees" being so inconveniently located. Her husband looked like he'd checked out about 1983. Barry Maher's Second Immutable Law of Travel states that if a couple doesn't travel well together — if they can't handle the enforced togetherness of an extended trip — they probably won't make it as a couple. In fact, the trip itself might finish off the relationship. I wondered if the trip that had finished off these two had been their honeymoon.

I'm in favor of a national law requiring engaged couples to drive a 1997 Kia across the country and back before being allowed to marry. There would be far fewer marriages, of course, but also far fewer divorces. If anybody's interested, Barry Maher's First Immutable Law of Travel is that the kid who keeps kicking the seat is always sitting behind me.

Barry's supernatural thriller, "The Great Dick: And the Dysfunctional Demon," is available on Amazon.