Scraps from the Cutting Room Floor

Barry Maher
Mon, 30 Mar 2026 19:07:07 -0700
Opinion

Sometimes what seems like a can't-miss column idea goes nowhere. Occasionally, an idea works so well that I have to cut something I really like in order to whittle it down to column length. In either case, I'm left with scraps I can't do much with. Except perhaps collect them in a column like this.

Scrap One. A while back, the Smithsonian Center for Short-Lived Phenomena publicly announced the "discovery of at least one prehistoric sea monster." I'm not sure how at least one prehistoric sea monster was discovered. Were they sure one was prehistoric, but his friends might have been lying about their age?

Since, in all likelihood, prehistory rocked with the humorous antics of prehistoric sea monsters, this seemed like a can't-miss Slightly Off-Kilter column. And a single prehistoric funster would probably suffice. Unfortunately, further investigation revealed the Center for Short-Lived Phenomena had actually discovered significantly less than one.
Updated: Mon Mar 30, 2026

Sometimes what seems like a can't-miss column idea goes nowhere. Occasionally, an idea works so well that I have to cut something I really like in order to whittle it down to column length. In either case, I'm left with scraps I can't do much with. Except perhaps collect them in a column like this.

Scrap One. A while back, the Smithsonian Center for Short-Lived Phenomena publicly announced the "discovery of at least one prehistoric sea monster." I'm not sure how at least one prehistoric sea monster was discovered. Were they sure one was prehistoric, but his friends might have been lying about their age?

Since, in all likelihood, prehistory rocked with the humorous antics of prehistoric sea monsters, this seemed like a can't-miss Slightly Off-Kilter column. And a single prehistoric funster would probably suffice. Unfortunately, further investigation revealed the Center for Short-Lived Phenomena had actually discovered significantly less than one.

The Short-lived Phenomenon Center was more successful in dealing with the four million genuine blackbirds that suddenly decided to make South Carolina home. However, four million blackbirds turned out to be no funnier and not much more interesting than zero prehistoric sea monsters. Failing to provide enough short-lived phenomena to inspire even a single humor column. The Smithsonian Center for Short-Lived Phenomena was — wait for it — short-lived. Non-existent prehistoric monsters that may turn up in the future will have to make do without the support of the Smithsonian.

Scrap Two. Apparently, some Buddhists believe that the Buddha entered his mother's womb fully formed. Since Buddha was kind of a tub, this seems — in several possible ways — a bit of a stretch. Especially since he supposedly lived there, in a beautiful palace, receiving guests. Two of my sisters are Buddhists. This may explain why they've never had children.

Scrap Three: Nepal has 18 species of venomous snakes, including the King Cobra, whose bite can deliver enough poison to kill an elephant, never mind a tourist. Twenty-seven hundred people die of snakebite in Nepal annually. I read in "Around the World on a Bicycle" that the snakes used to hide under people's pillows, but seem to have given that up. For some reason, that struck me as funny. (Possibly because it was never my pillow.)

Unfortunately, extensive research—two different Google searches—determined that Nepalese snakes haven't given up hiding under pillows any more than I've stopped dating supermodels. Neither the snakes nor I ever did it in the first place. Nepalese snakes do, however, hide under beds and in closets. Of course, with snakes as much as nineteen feet long, it's hard to describe what many of them are doing as actually hiding.

Scrap Four. Researching a column on childhood, I discovered that 20% of Native American bees lay eggs in the hives of other Bees. When the eggs hatch, the little darlings eat the other bees' kids. And you thought you grew up in a tough neighborhood. Even more trauma-inducing, baby elephants — to develop the microorganisms needed for digestion — have to eat adult elephant feces. You might mention that the next time your kids complain about broccoli.

Scrap Five. Contrary to rumor, the Roman Emperor, Caligula, did not make his horse a consul. (Back then, entire horses were seldom appointed to top government positions. Like today, far more often, it was some horse's ass.) Caligula did provide his horse with servants, built it an ivory stable and a marble stall, and had gold flakes mixed into its oats.

Mrs. Caligula wore millions. Perhaps as much as a billion dollars' worth of emeralds and pearls around her neck, in her hair, even on her shoes. She carried the receipts around to show people the cost. For some reason, many Romans considered the Caligulas to be as tasteless as the gold on the food they also sometimes served to guests.

And, last, but certainly least:

Scrap Six. During the American Civil War, Union soldiers used the word "coffee" in their diaries more often than "bullet" or "rifle." Why I thought I could do an entire column on that, I have no idea.