W. Bruce Cameron
Fri, 10 Jul 2015 21:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

Dear Action Movies,
Updated: Sat Jul 11, 2015

Dear Action Movies,

I've been watching you for a long time now and have gotten to know you pretty well, but I think that in order for our relationship to keep growing, there are a few questions I need you to answer.

First, you know those scenes where the Hero is standing in a circle of bad guys, and they all attack him, and he manages to fight them all off? How come the bad guys all wait their turn - is that some sort of bad-guy etiquette thing? Because it seems to me, if I were watching this Hero kicking and punching my buddies into oblivion, I might be tempted to turn to the bad guy next to me and say, "Why don't we both try at the same time?"

And I know I sure as heck wouldn't run up to the Hero and then stand there patiently, waiting for my turn to get killed.

In fact, I have to be honest: I see the Hero beat the first dozen guys into a pulp, I'm probably not going to run up there at all. I'd look that Hero in the eye and say: "You know what? I'm good. I'm going to go get some pie. You want anything? You thirsty? Need a food rub?"

Oh, while we're on the subject: Why do the guys attacking from behind always yell "eeeyahhhh!" as they lunge forward? If they're going to do that, why don't they just shout, "I'm attacking from behind now!"?

Where does the criminal mastermind even get those guys? Does he take out a want ad saying: "Need bad guys who can stand in a circle and get chopped up by a Hero. Please supply references"?

The last movie I watched, the Hero had killed about 20 of them within the first 15 minutes, and there were still a few dozen to go. Even at minimum wage, that's a pretty big payroll. Then there's health care, vacation pay ... I don't understand why, if he's got so much capital and wants to run a business, the criminal mastermind doesn't just open up a doughnut shop.

I also don't understand why, if the bad guys have what is very clearly an inexhaustible supply of ammunition, they don't bother to expend any of it on target practice. Five guys with machine guns can destroy everything breakable in a room and not even touch the Hero, who is usually diving behind the couch or something.

The couch — is the theory that the cushions deflect bullets because of all the coins lodged in there? And if he's behind the couch, why are the bad guys shooting the TV and the dishes and the pictures on the wall? And why don't the bad guys find their own couches to crouch behind, instead of standing out in the open hosing down the room with bullets?

Speaking of bullets, I like it when the Hero reloads, but I guess I don't understand where he carries all those spare clips. They're heavy. Even one of them would weigh down your pocket — it's just not the sort of thing you can fold up and stick in your wallet or something. You shove two or three in your pants, and the next day you'll be too bruised to get out of bed.

I'm also fascinated by action-movie helicopter crashes. Why is it that the helicopters always: (a) crash behind a hill, so that there's a big fireball but you don't actually see the impact, or (b) get really, really tiny a second before the crash? I expect the pilot to radio out for help, saying, "Mayday, mayday, we're crashing, plus all of a sudden we've shrunk to the size of a house cat!"

I like the trick where the Hero knocks out a bad guy with one blow. If the jobs for Heroes dry up, he can always get a job as an anesthesiologist. But if he can hit people that hard, why doesn't he become a professional boxer and make some real money?

Final question: Given all the financial resources expended to make an action movie, is it too much to ask that you spend a little money on plot?