When a Hug Brings an Ugh

Margo Howard
Thu, 14 Nov 2013 00:00:00 -0800
Lifestyle

I'm talking about our different ways of greeting. I mean we just bow when we greet one another. We don't hug and kiss as American and French people do. Although I myself was born in America, my parents were not, and I have grown up with their customs. I just feel like I'm being hug-raped whenever I have to put up with it.

It wasn't much of a predicament because I've only had to endure this discomfort very occasionally, but the problem now is my boyfriend's family. Although they're Asian, too, they've been in America generations longer than my own family, so they hug whenever they see each other — and now me.

To make matters worse, it's a big family, and when I'm invited to a gathering (which is often . . . they celebrate everything), I have to hug as many as 8-10 times in an hour. I feel uncomfortable and have a hard time keeping myself from grimacing.
Updated: Fri Nov 15, 2013

I'm talking about our different ways of greeting. I mean we just bow when we greet one another. We don't hug and kiss as American and French people do. Although I myself was born in America, my parents were not, and I have grown up with their customs. I just feel like I'm being hug-raped whenever I have to put up with it.

It wasn't much of a predicament because I've only had to endure this discomfort very occasionally, but the problem now is my boyfriend's family. Although they're Asian, too, they've been in America generations longer than my own family, so they hug whenever they see each other — and now me.

To make matters worse, it's a big family, and when I'm invited to a gathering (which is often . . . they celebrate everything), I have to hug as many as 8-10 times in an hour. I feel uncomfortable and have a hard time keeping myself from grimacing.

I don't want to straight out tell them that I don't feel comfortable with hugging because I don't want to be seen as the strange girl who doesn't like to touch people, but is there any way I can discreetly let them know that I'm not the hugging type, or is it too late since I've gone along with it? — Hug-Me-Not

Dear Hug: I'm with you, and I'm not even Asian. In the same way that people say brown is the new black, I think hugging is the new handshake. (I am not talking about hugging within families, but we will get to that in a minute.)

I have had people I barely knew hug me, and the inappropriate familiarity always makes me rigid with unease. (I remember a workman in my mother's apartment said to her, "May I hug you?" And she said, "No.") In general, people ought to dial it back a little and save a hug for when it means something.

As for your situation, I think it would be fine for you to "teach" your boyfriend's family how to show affection your way.

There is no reason they can't do the little bow, especially if you tell them it is a part of your tradition that you particularly like. — Margo, comfortably

TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?

Dear Margo: I'm presently being faced with a situation I feel could jeopardize my relationship with my best friend, "Luella," and my fiance, "Igor."

Igor and Luella's husband, "Sam," work at the same company together. That is how I was introduced to Igor. My guy has stated on several occasions that Sam is going to leave Luella. He lies to her about when he gets off work and what he is doing, and with whom.

Igor finally had to tell Sam that he could no longer tell Igor what he's up to unless he wanted it relayed to me. My relationship with Luella goes back 14 years. What is the best way (if any) to tell my friend what is going on? — Hating the Drama

Dear Hate: This is a common dilemma, with no real consensus. Some believe that "time reveals all," and because people often get mad at the messenger, it's better not to be the bearer of bad news.

I probably am in favor of alerting your close friend that she's being played for a fool and her husband is a louse. Especially since you say Sam is preparing to leave this woman — he is not just stepping out on her — offering a heads-up would at least afford her the pleasure, if that's the word, of dumping him first.

If watching your friend's back could jeopardize the relationship, then maybe it's not all you thought it was. Good luck. — Margo, delicately

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. To learn more about Margo Howard or to read features by other writers, visit creators.com.