Waaaay Beyond Messy

Margo Howard
Mon, 27 Jan 2014 10:32:39 -0800
Lifestyle

Dear Margo: I am so far into this mess, I can't see a way out. I am a successful businesswoman with a teenage son — and dirty little secrets. Our house and backyard are so messy that we have not had company over in years.

I am not talking disorganized; I mean there are boxes, trash and dirt piled high. My queen-sized bed has so much stuff on it that I have to carefully crawl into it to keep from dislodging everything. The space between the bed and the wall is piled with stuff that I might need someday. Repeat this for each room.

My backyard is filled with bushes, thorns and trash. It's hard to even see the pool. Things are so bad, I am ashamed to call anyone for help in my small city. I have lost friends over this, as I will not have anyone over. I try to clean, resolve to rent a Dumpster, get a storage unit, make some progress ... then I become overwhelmed.
Updated: Mon Jan 27, 2014

Dear Margo: I am so far into this mess, I can't see a way out. I am a successful businesswoman with a teenage son — and dirty little secrets. Our house and backyard are so messy that we have not had company over in years.

I am not talking disorganized; I mean there are boxes, trash and dirt piled high. My queen-sized bed has so much stuff on it that I have to carefully crawl into it to keep from dislodging everything. The space between the bed and the wall is piled with stuff that I might need someday. Repeat this for each room.

My backyard is filled with bushes, thorns and trash. It's hard to even see the pool. Things are so bad, I am ashamed to call anyone for help in my small city. I have lost friends over this, as I will not have anyone over. I try to clean, resolve to rent a Dumpster, get a storage unit, make some progress ... then I become overwhelmed.

I work almost 60 hours a week and just give up when I get home. The only room with some order is the kitchen, and I am afraid that I will let that one "go" soon. My sister is the same way; her house is dreadful.

By the way, I have been in therapy for years for depression and bipolar disorder, but have never told my therapists about this. Mom is clean and neat, by the way. I'd love to have people over and entertain in a comfortable home. Help me! — Messy Maggie

Dear Mess: First of all, you must fess up to your therapist. This is not a moral failing; it is a problem. Your behavior likely has an underlying reason. I have often thought that a person's home (or desk) reflects their mental state, and you sound depressed and overwhelmed.

It is possible your messiness represents rebellion against your mother's neatness. Psychologists sometimes think of this behavior as "anal explosiveness" (as opposed to "anal retentiveness"), as it conveys a stubborn resistance to social conventions.

If your messiness includes hoarding specific items (like toilet paper), then it might suggest a variant of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

On the other hand, slovenliness is not necessarily pathological. There is a lot of clutter in the world, and many new industries have developed to deal with it, like professional organizers, closet systems and the like.

If insight from your therapist and/or alteration of medications doesn't work, then you might try a 12-step program and hire an organizer. — Margo, determinedly

BUTT-INSKIES IN THE OFFICE

Dear Margo: I work in an office with an open floor plan. My workstation is in a room with four others. In an adjacent room (separated by a doorway but no door) are the workstations of three other people, including "Floyd."

Often when I'm having a conversation with someone at the workstation next to mine, Floyd chimes in from the next room with his two cents. Mind you, the conversation is not loud, but if Floyd can hear a conversation, he has to get in on it. And he's a know-it-all, to boot. It doesn't matter what we're talking about, he's always "contributing."

We've tried ignoring these intrusions, but that doesn't work. Short of glaring at him and saying, "Nobody was talking to you," how can we effectively address his behavior and hopefully put a stop to it? — Fed Up in New England

Dear Fed: Floyd is in another room? He must have ears like a dog . . . and the hide of a rhinoceros. People have to be pretty thick to horn in on conversations not addressed to them.

Given his lack of, um, sensitivity, I see nothing wrong with saying, "Floyd, no offense, my intention was to have a conversation with Lucy." If he doesn't catch on, you can go to his desk and then say, "Nobody was talking to you."

I do not think one needs to be delicate with clods. — Margo, frankly