You Are Cordially Invited To Stay at Home

Margo Howard
Mon, 25 Nov 2013 01:35:31 -0800
Lifestyle

Dear Margo: I'm getting married in about six months and am working out the details. My question is: How do I not invite a relative?

It's an uncle who's offended me, many of my relatives, my parents, my siblings, my grandparents and other aunts and uncles. We all deal with him in our own way, whether it's avoiding him at family functions or just skipping family functions where he will be.

One of my brothers and another uncle fit into the latter group. Their presence at my wedding is much more important to me than the offensive uncle's. My question is: How do I not invite him, while at the same time inviting his wife and their children?
Updated: Mon Nov 25, 2013

Dear Margo: I'm getting married in about six months and am working out the details. My question is: How do I not invite a relative?

It's an uncle who's offended me, many of my relatives, my parents, my siblings, my grandparents and other aunts and uncles. We all deal with him in our own way, whether it's avoiding him at family functions or just skipping family functions where he will be.

One of my brothers and another uncle fit into the latter group. Their presence at my wedding is much more important to me than the offensive uncle's. My question is: How do I not invite him, while at the same time inviting his wife and their children?

I have thought about telling him at a family reunion a few months before my wedding that, given the history, perhaps he would not mind staying home and hope he will respect my wishes. My other option is to mail their invitation the day of the wedding. What do you suggest? — Trying Not To Offend

Dear Try: I am always sorry to disappoint a bride-to-be, but you are stuck. You cannot invite selected members of the same immediate family. You also cannot mail the invitation the day of the wedding; that would be such an obvious "dis" that you'd be better off not mailing an invitation at all.

If you think there's a possibility of succeeding, you might approach the offensive uncle at the earlier function and ask him, given his testy history, if he might consider sitting this one out. (He might not.)

If you aren't looking to unleash further family friction, you will invite the icky-uncle-family and steer clear of Mr. Congeniality on your special day. — Margo, pragmatically

GOOD PROVIDER, LOUSY MATE

Dear Margo: My husband and I have been married 36 years. We both work. He's a wonderful provider and has given me everything I ever wanted. The problem is that we have never been able to talk with each other without getting into an argument.

I have always tried to keep him from getting mad at me by agreeing with him, but whatever I say is wrong. He doesn't want me to express my feelings and has always said to keep my opinions to myself. He seems to enjoy putting me down in front of others — including our grandchildren. He becomes angry and verbally abusive at the least little thing, and will show his anger in public.

I have always wanted people to think we are happily married, and I've tried to hide how unhappy he makes me. Should I stay, or is it time for me to find some peace of mind? — Worn Down

Dear Worn: I will say this: You certainly have a long fuse. If you have never been able to converse without angst on your part, that adds up to three and a half decades of trying to keep the peace, and being belittled, in public, for your trouble.

I think the time has come to stop caring if people think you are happily married and opt for peace of mind, not to mention dignity. It is nice that he has been generous, monetarily, which means you will be comfortable when you tell him you wish to effect a separation, if not a divorce. — Margo, singly