Ethnically Speaking, May 30

Larry Meeks
Sat, 30 May 2009 00:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

Dear Larry: I am a 46-year-old white woman who is soon to be married to the most wonderful man in the world. He happens to be black. Over the years, my extended family has made a big issue of having the biggest wedding my small town ever has seen because I have been single so long.

I left my hometown when I went away to college. I only returned for special occasions and family visits. I met my future husband in the big city. No one but my immediate family knows my intended is black. They have met him and think he is wonderful, but they never have told anyone his ethnicity.

I kept hoping someone would let the news out about his race, but that information has been a deep secret. My immediate family let me know in no uncertain terms that it is my duty to let the rest of the family know about the race of my fiance.
Updated: Fri May 29, 2009

Dear Larry: I am a 46-year-old white woman who is soon to be married to the most wonderful man in the world. He happens to be black. Over the years, my extended family has made a big issue of having the biggest wedding my small town ever has seen because I have been single so long.

I left my hometown when I went away to college. I only returned for special occasions and family visits. I met my future husband in the big city. No one but my immediate family knows my intended is black. They have met him and think he is wonderful, but they never have told anyone his ethnicity.

I kept hoping someone would let the news out about his race, but that information has been a deep secret. My immediate family let me know in no uncertain terms that it is my duty to let the rest of the family know about the race of my fiance.

I have been engaged for almost six months, and I know that my cousins, grandparents, etc., all think he is white by the comments they have made. It is obvious I am shy about telling them because I know there are a few that will have a problem. I just don't want to deal with their issues.

Larry, you are so good at finding practical ways to solve some very thorny issues. I need your wise counsel. Do you think I should just forget about his race and let the wedding be a big surprise? If you think I should tell them, how do you think I should do it, and what should I say?

Please hurry and reply, because the wedding is in July. — Lori

Dear Lori: Yes, you are a coward, but I understand your timidity. I am sure you have heard some very negative words throughout your life from certain family members, and your lack of response in the past has made it difficult for you to confront the issue now. This does not make you a bad person, only a passive-aggressive personality.

I don't think you should say anything to your relatives about the race of your fiance. You should send out the wedding invitations with a picture of you both together as a couple. Let the image say the words you are reluctant to say.

Dear Larry: I voted for President Obama, but I have major problems with many of his policies. I brought up many of my concerns to my group of friends. Some of them agreed with me, but others did not.

We barely had started discussing the issues, when someone accused me of being a racist because I happened to disagree with the policies.

Larry, I was so angry I barely could speak. How could someone accuse me of being a racist when I was always the first to speak out for the rights of minorities? I was the one who gave minorities the benefit of the doubt when there was any question. I was the one who told my fellow workers to be quiet when a minority was promoted over more qualified whites.

What really gets me is the very person I helped to get the promotion is now the person who is calling me a racist.

Larry, how do you have a discussion about the president without being branded with the label "racist"? — J.B.

Dear J.B.: You don't. If you dare disagree with the president, you will be called "anti-black." Is it fair? No. People who support the president will always throw that label at you.

If you want to prevail, stand your ground. When enough people get tired and speak out, that tactic will lose its power.